After more than 50 years of research, The Gottman Institute made a fascinating discovery: some couples manage to maintain deeply supportive, positive relationships for a lifetime. Naturally, relationship researchers wanted to know their secret. What were these couples doing differently? The answer is surprisingly simple: They never stop doing the small daily habits that most people only do at the start of a relationship.
Think back to when you first started dating. You were likely doing all of these without even thinking:
- Physical closeness: Holding hands, hugging, and kissing often.
- Undivided focus: Truly listening—without a phone, TV, or laptop in sight.
- Active gratitude: Noticing and voicing appreciation for the positive things your partner did.
Fast forward to today—how many of those are still part of your routine? These daily habits are essential maintenance behaviors for long-term emotional connection. I like to call them The Three As:
- Attention: Giving your full presence when your partner speaks.
- Affection: Keeping physical warmth alive through small, everyday touches.
- Appreciation: Actively noticing and praising the good.
The main secret of relationship “Masters” is that they prioritize these three habits consistently—no matter how busy or chaotic life gets. While there are other strategies they use as well, mastering these fundamentals is the best place to start.
What is one small way you can offer Attention, Affection, or Appreciation to your partner today? Stay tuned for the next post, where we’ll dive into the next set of habits that keep relationships strong!
